Tuesday, November 29, 2005


I changed my ring tone, from 'fade to black' to 'i can't get no satisfaction.' My world hasn’t exactly changed but a lot of things around me have changed, taken on a different hue. Like the clean wet green of the trees on a rainy day or the sulky red of the sky on a warm summer evening. You don't just see these colors; you actually feel them.

I'm getting restless, very very restless. Last week, I saw 4 movies, did some heavy stuff shopping, drank whiskey after ages and ate four kinds of meat. I'm also reading two books - a biography of Hitler and the motorcycle diaries. It's like I want everything to happen fast and all at the same time.

My kid bro will be coming from Pune this weekend and will be staying with me for about 2 weeks. I just can't wait to play the guitar with him or raid his rucksack for new novels. As a kid, he used to follow me all around though we became really close only after he entered his teens. I'm the silent moody one in the family and he's the only one with whom I can talk freely about books, music and all my eccentric ideas. We talk about girls and female orgasms too:-) We are that close though he's 9 years younger than me.

I will be traveling too, very soon. Have taken a 9-day vacation to go to Chennai, Pondicherry and Bangalore. Will be visiting another bro in Chennai and meeting my sis-in-law for the first time.

I'm on the edge. I wanna fly. Never ever come down. I think I'm falling. Falling in love too. Wanna sing a song. Wanna write a poem.

Maybe I'll just hold her tight, say nothing and feel each breath she takes.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

ruby tuesday

Life has its strange twists and turns. Slept so late yesterday, images of my life flashed before me like a slideshow.

My first memory, when my mom called me and offered me the bottle of milk my little sister couldn't finish. That's the earliest I can go back and that's when life begun for me.

A little boy about 5, I was crying coz mom was washing and scrubbing my hands and feet in hot water, on that cold winter night. It was the same night I saw a wounded terrorist running for his life, and coming straight to our courtyard. Mom showed the opening through the hedges, and gave him directions. The army came shortly afterwards;tall big guys, all heavily armed. Everyone saw the blood but mom lied and we somehow managed to escape.

A shy teenager about 13, when I got my first love letter. I got scared and never talked to her. At that time, I hardly talked to girls anyway.

Just 16, when I came to delhi for the first time. Homesick, terribly lonely and with a few mispronounced and broken phrases in hindi, I carried on and fell in love with the city.

18, feeling ashamed and angry coz dad and my brothers were scolding me. They were shocked and hurt coz I had come in the first division for the first time in my life. The first time I passed an exam without a rank/position. My neighbours were celebrating coz their sons and daughters have managed to pass the same board exam.

A few more images and my mind turned to women. Marianne Faithful, a very beautiful and enigmatic singer, pursued my so many rock stars of her time. Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones, sang a song for her, when they were still the "biggest and baddest rock n' roll band" in the world. We'll never know what she really felt when she heard that song for the first time; all we know is that the famous "Ruby Tuesday" chain of restaurants came up everywhere.

I still wonder how the most intelligent and mature women are so similar with the most ordinary ones when it comes to making decisions...anyway, here's the song.

Don't question why she needs to be so free
She'll tell you it's the only way to be
She just can't be chained
To a life where nothing's gained
And nothing's lost
At such a cost

Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

There's no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind
Ain't life unkind?

Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?

When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

it's my life

In PG, there was an economics professor who really made the effort to know each and everyone of his students. He succeeded too.

Once he asked each one of us to stand in front of the class and speak about our dreams. There were many who wanted to be good husbands, good fathers, and good human beings. My turn came and I told them - I want to work hard, grow rich, see the world and die traveling. The smiles were forced and the applause wasn't as deafening as the one "a good husband/father" received.

He also took a personality test. There were four quadrants and depending on your attitude and beliefs, you will fall in one of the four quadrants. Out of 70 students, only two students came in one quadrant. Another test was done the following month, the results changed for a lot of people. But those two students came in the same quadrant again, and they were the only two.

The professor told those two students that people in that quadrant would never follow rules. They will be a problem to any organization, family or society. He told us that their parents don't understand them, and as such they don't get along with them too.

Those two students - one was me and another was a very close friend. We didn't talk for almost a year; we were both silent and moody. We got to know each other in the 2nd year only, but became the closest of friends very soon. The only two in the whole batch of about 200 students who could talk about Marilyn Manson, Guy de Maupasant, Edgar Allan Poe and Drugs.

Maybe we went too far, maybe we didn't. But we never knew that one night, he'll pick me up from the road, bloodied and lying unconscious. We never knew that I would stuff so many pills in those momos. I was riding my friend's kinetic all alone and he was riding his scooter behind me. I've never imagined how it would have ended if he had overtaken me or if we had taken different routes. It was quite late and the flyover at AIIMS was under construction.

I was in the hospital for a month, another month in my room, bedridden. Every night I used to wake up screaming in pain, the painkillers couldn't handle much of the pain in my head. The nurses would then increase my dose and I would fall asleep after that. I should have learnt my lesson right then and there. But I didn't and I took another chance and nearly overdosed.

Something happened after that, something snapped and I took a decision. I gave up everything - the pills, the syrups, the joints, and the works. I haven't touched anything after that; it's been almost 3 years. I drink only on weekends these days and I'm quite happy with that. And I'm content with my music, with my books and with the few women who have enriched my life. Those lovely women who have crossed paths with me and taught me a lot of things I have never ever come across in those hundreds and hundreds of books I've read.

I just smile these days when teenagers and college kids talk about sex, drugs and rock n' roll. Sometimes, I think we take "It's my life" too seriously. Sometimes, I want to tell them my story, the things I've done. Sometimes, I want them to know that it's not all about our own lives. Sometimes, I want to tell them, "Go on dreaming, be free, be wild but make sure you don't hurt the ones you love - your friends, lovers and family. Without them, there's no life."

Sometimes I feel I'm old, sometimes I feel I've just mellowed. But whatever it is, I'm at peace with myself. And one day, I'll tell you everything about my life and my dreams. I'll tell everything if you would look into my eyes and hold my hand.