Wednesday, August 31, 2005

the recluse

a riot of colors and sounds
as the world passes by

serenity broken
beliefs blown away
reality's a dream

close my eyes
let me see again

let me drift away
let me embrace the darkness
and everything that's not right

but solitude won't leave me alone
dancing our ridiculous li'l dance together
we pretend everything's all right

my dreams have betrayed me
my dreams have locked me up
but my dreams console me
but my dreams keep me going
and these dreams are all i have

Saturday, August 20, 2005

most beautiful things

It's saturday morning and I'm here in the office because of a client deliverable that came up unexpected.

Had a cup of hot strong coffee watching Ra wake up from his slumber. Ra, the Sun-god travelling across the sky with the sun upon his head in his two boats - Matet and Semktet. Was thinking of the most beautiful things that I have seen in my life, the things that I haven't seen but only imagine and the things that I could have never imagine but only dream. There are so many, so many of them.

On top of my list, before anything else would be the sight of a woman raising both her arms to tie her hair in a bun. I must have seen it a thousand times but when lovers, friends and total strangers do it, I just can't turn away. It's ineffably beautiful.

A kid's face when he/she catches a fish. We adults will never be able to copy that smile or experience that happiness, even vicariously. Had seen it quite a few times back in my hometown. Guess, it has gone out of fashion in today's world.

The third's poignantly beautiful, heartbreakingly lovely. It's when your woman cries and there's mascara/eyeliner on her cheeks and around her eyes. I have never been able to say "no" or keep my arms at my side. They have just reached out to take her in my arms, to hold her tight and love her with all my being.

The last one's supposed to be a secret. Now every woman will know when I'm totally helpless:-)

Friday, August 19, 2005

if i...

If I stop these paeans
will you drop your mask

If I tell you the bitter truth
will you throw away your paper crown

If I look down on you
will you smash your wooden horse

If I close my eyes
will you end your masquerade

If my silence grows
will you still ramble on

If I stop listening
will you shut up and suffocate

If I run out in the sweet dirty rain
will you be there to play with me

If I take off all my clothes
will you shed your pretences

If I walk all alone
will you hold my callused hands

And if I were to die tomorrow
will you dance on my grave
under a morose looking moon.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

on the road

Books are amazing powerful things, they take you away to that place where dreams and reality merge. Sometimes you are just a spectator, and sometimes you are a part of the show.

Especially Kerouac's ''On the Road,'' don't read this book if it's been ages since you last broke the monotony of working from 9 to 6, five days a week. God!!!!! It's been almost a year since I had an amazing trip (pun intended).

Last October I went to Dharamsala with two of my friends. It was not really what people would call a vacation as we were on the road for 5 full days. We just stopped for the night and food.

Once we reached chandigarh, we started searching for a taxi/cab and we had a few conditions for the driver - there'll be non-stop rock music and we'll be drinking/doping non stop. Thought it was a bit hard but we were able to find someone who was very interested!!! We then hit the road in his new indica.

We were an amusing sight wherever we go. A friend's from UP, another's from Kerela and I'm from Manipur. We represented the three major races in India - Aryans, Dravidians and Mongoloids, the faces of India. We talked our own language too - a mixture of english, hindi and tamil. We switched to the few but very effective and strong tamil words and phrases whenever we want to make fun of the driver:-)

Himachal's such a wonderful beautiful place, and the people there are so cool, living their own lives and open to anything. They don't stare and they don't judge. I have gone there just two times, though I stayed for 3 months along the Kullu-Manali highway the first time I went there.

Ever listened to Floyd, U2 or Simon & Garfunkel while traveling the highways, watching the mountains and the forest through your car window? The songs are the same but they make you feel so different when you are no longer confined by the four walls of your room - carefree, you begin thinking about freedom and empty spaces and then there's that peaceful feeling, so soothing yet so difficult to describe. But when the old monk kicks (aka the best dark rum) in, we switched to system of a down, megadeth or metallica.

We blew up about 2000 bucks on charas and an almost equivalent amount on rum and cigarrettes but we had FUN. We talked about everything under the sun, we hardly slept, we laughed, we screamed, and we were high and mighty.

Bet Kerouac would be jealous:-)

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


Ever wondered why we dream less as we grow older? Why we give up the small things we used to love when we were younger?

There's a friend who used to draw and paint so beautifully, she has given that up coz she says she has no time anymore. another one says he's tired all the time and can't practise anymore. me? I don't finish novels in one night anymore, i don't listen to new Cds/tapes all night long, i don't play the guitar everyday anymore, i don't go for my evening walks anymore....and i have a million reasons for all these “NOT ANYMOREs.” Though sometimes i feel they are not reasons at all, but just alibis.

Once i was just walking down the lane that runs parallel to the main road (ring road, delhi). It was a quiet and cool night and all of a sudden i felt like running. It had been ages since i last ran and so i just ran that night feeling the wind in my hair and feeling so happy and contented.

We don't run anymore now unless we are going to miss the bus/train. We don't walk in the rain anymore coz we are scared of catching a cold. Love's not about trust, respect and feelings anymore, it's either a business relation or a physical relation these days. Sure miss the ol' days when we were young, wild and so damn happy. Am not a pessimist or someone who broods over the past but i just came up with these lines.

how we stared at the crimson sunset
eyes wide with wonder and innocence
and a vision touching the infinity across
was it just yesterday?

how we raced against the wind
faces exploding with laughter
and a spirit unyielding as the earth beneath
seems just like yesterday

how we sat under the night sky
senses floating in the stillness
and singing our songs of youth
it must be yesterday

then we grew up
older and colder each day
and a heart full of rancor
yesterday seemed so far

and we trudged on
with fractured pasts and abandoned dreams
and cried for all those yesterdays
coz yesterday's gone, lost forever.