for you sweety

I asked you once, if I play a song or write a poem for you, will you dance for me?

That Friday evening, I didn't play a song or write a poem but you danced. You moved like a dream in your pink corduroy pants and stole my heart. Maybe, I had given it all away, long before I knew.

They say there's something about a woman that makes a guy fall for her. So will you believe me if I say there wasn't something at all about you? Will you believe me if I say it was everything about you? From that small green mole on your cheek to that ATTITUDE, from the way you crinkled your nose to the way you curled up your toes when you read the paper...I fell for you.

I wanna look into those brown eyes when I wake up in the morning. I wanna kiss you goodnight every night, before I go to sleep, with you in my arms. I can't wait to hear you sneeze so that I can take care of you and spoil you. I wanna kiss the nape of your neck when you wear your hair in a bun. I wanna see you with a flower in your hair.

Thought I could write something for you but all I can think of, are these lines by William Butler Yeats...

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.

restless

I changed my ring tone, from 'fade to black' to 'i can't get no satisfaction.' My world hasn’t exactly changed but a lot of things around me have changed, taken on a different hue. Like the clean wet green of the trees on a rainy day or the sulky red of the sky on a warm summer evening. You don't just see these colors; you actually feel them.

I'm getting restless, very very restless. Last week, I saw 4 movies, did some heavy stuff shopping, drank whiskey after ages and ate four kinds of meat. I'm also reading two books - a biography of Hitler and the motorcycle diaries. It's like I want everything to happen fast and all at the same time.

My kid bro will be coming from Pune this weekend and will be staying with me for about 2 weeks. I just can't wait to play the guitar with him or raid his rucksack for new novels. As a kid, he used to follow me all around though we became really close only after he entered his teens. I'm the silent moody one in the family and he's the only one with whom I can talk freely about books, music and all my eccentric ideas. We talk about girls and female orgasms too:-) We are that close though he's 9 years younger than me.

I will be traveling too, very soon. Have taken a 9-day vacation to go to Chennai, Pondicherry and Bangalore. Will be visiting another bro in Chennai and meeting my sis-in-law for the first time.

I'm on the edge. I wanna fly. Never ever come down. I think I'm falling. Falling in love too. Wanna sing a song. Wanna write a poem.

Maybe I'll just hold her tight, say nothing and feel each breath she takes.

ruby tuesday

Life has its strange twists and turns. Slept so late yesterday, images of my life flashed before me like a slideshow.

My first memory, when my mom called me and offered me the bottle of milk my little sister couldn't finish. That's the earliest I can go back and that's when life begun for me.

A little boy about 5, I was crying coz mom was washing and scrubbing my hands and feet in hot water, on that cold winter night. It was the same night I saw a wounded terrorist running for his life, and coming straight to our courtyard. Mom showed the opening through the hedges, and gave him directions. The army came shortly afterwards;tall big guys, all heavily armed. Everyone saw the blood but mom lied and we somehow managed to escape.

A shy teenager about 13, when I got my first love letter. I got scared and never talked to her. At that time, I hardly talked to girls anyway.

Just 16, when I came to delhi for the first time. Homesick, terribly lonely and with a few mispronounced and broken phrases in hindi, I carried on and fell in love with the city.

18, feeling ashamed and angry coz dad and my brothers were scolding me. They were shocked and hurt coz I had come in the first division for the first time in my life. The first time I passed an exam without a rank/position. My neighbours were celebrating coz their sons and daughters have managed to pass the same board exam.

A few more images and my mind turned to women. Marianne Faithful, a very beautiful and enigmatic singer, pursued my so many rock stars of her time. Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones, sang a song for her, when they were still the "biggest and baddest rock n' roll band" in the world. We'll never know what she really felt when she heard that song for the first time; all we know is that the famous "Ruby Tuesday" chain of restaurants came up everywhere.

I still wonder how the most intelligent and mature women are so similar with the most ordinary ones when it comes to making decisions...anyway, here's the song.

Don't question why she needs to be so free
She'll tell you it's the only way to be
She just can't be chained
To a life where nothing's gained
And nothing's lost
At such a cost

Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

There's no time to lose, I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams
And you will lose your mind
Ain't life unkind?

Goodbye, ruby tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you...

it's my life

In PG, there was an economics professor who really made the effort to know each and everyone of his students. He succeeded too.

Once he asked each one of us to stand in front of the class and speak about our dreams. There were many who wanted to be good husbands, good fathers, and good human beings. My turn came and I told them - I want to work hard, grow rich, see the world and die traveling. The smiles were forced and the applause wasn't as deafening as the one "a good husband/father" received.

He also took a personality test. There were four quadrants and depending on your attitude and beliefs, you will fall in one of the four quadrants. Out of 70 students, only two students came in one quadrant. Another test was done the following month, the results changed for a lot of people. But those two students came in the same quadrant again, and they were the only two.

The professor told those two students that people in that quadrant would never follow rules. They will be a problem to any organization, family or society. He told us that their parents don't understand them, and as such they don't get along with them too.

Those two students - one was me and another was a very close friend. We didn't talk for almost a year; we were both silent and moody. We got to know each other in the 2nd year only, but became the closest of friends very soon. The only two in the whole batch of about 200 students who could talk about Marilyn Manson, Guy de Maupasant, Edgar Allan Poe and Drugs.

Maybe we went too far, maybe we didn't. But we never knew that one night, he'll pick me up from the road, bloodied and lying unconscious. We never knew that I would stuff so many pills in those momos. I was riding my friend's kinetic all alone and he was riding his scooter behind me. I've never imagined how it would have ended if he had overtaken me or if we had taken different routes. It was quite late and the flyover at AIIMS was under construction.

I was in the hospital for a month, another month in my room, bedridden. Every night I used to wake up screaming in pain, the painkillers couldn't handle much of the pain in my head. The nurses would then increase my dose and I would fall asleep after that. I should have learnt my lesson right then and there. But I didn't and I took another chance and nearly overdosed.

Something happened after that, something snapped and I took a decision. I gave up everything - the pills, the syrups, the joints, and the works. I haven't touched anything after that; it's been almost 3 years. I drink only on weekends these days and I'm quite happy with that. And I'm content with my music, with my books and with the few women who have enriched my life. Those lovely women who have crossed paths with me and taught me a lot of things I have never ever come across in those hundreds and hundreds of books I've read.

I just smile these days when teenagers and college kids talk about sex, drugs and rock n' roll. Sometimes, I think we take "It's my life" too seriously. Sometimes, I want to tell them my story, the things I've done. Sometimes, I want them to know that it's not all about our own lives. Sometimes, I want to tell them, "Go on dreaming, be free, be wild but make sure you don't hurt the ones you love - your friends, lovers and family. Without them, there's no life."

Sometimes I feel I'm old, sometimes I feel I've just mellowed. But whatever it is, I'm at peace with myself. And one day, I'll tell you everything about my life and my dreams. I'll tell everything if you would look into my eyes and hold my hand.

friday fever

There's a chill in the air and getting up every morning has become a Herculean task. I'm not much of a late sleeper anyway, the urge to read the newspaper in the morning is too strong to ignore. On those rare occasions when I don't have the urge, the paper boy gives his best shot and makes sure that the thud of the newspaper falling on the balcony is extra loud.

My colleagues have always told me that I'm the most cheerful person on Fridays. And every Friday night, I would go to bed with a head buzzing with plans for the next two days. Inspite of all the ups and downs of life, I go to bed every Friday night, happy and excited. Call it innocence, call it an idiosyncrasy but I would rather call it the Friday night fever.

I always think of making something new for breakfast but when Saturday morning finally arrives, it's just tea or coffee with french toast, most of the times. And I would enjoy it slowly, with some 60's rock music playing in the background.

After that the planning starts. Should I play the guitar, should I catch up on my reading, should I go out for browsing in the book/music store? And depending on my status at that time, should I go out on a date? I leave out the mundane household stuff - cleaning the room and washing clothes - for Sunday.

And then these plans can be broken up into smaller ones too. Playing the guitar - should it be the acoustic or the electric? Should I play the lessons or some ol' rock n roll I already know? The possibilities are endless but there is so little time. I think you must have got the picture by now. I'm excited on Friday nights but I'm a very confused guy on Saturdays.

But I don't belong to that group of people who makes New Year resolutions just for the heck of it. So by saturday evening, I end up doing a bit of everything I've planned.

The evening brings in the few close friends I have. Friends you hardly find in these days of egos and status symbols. Friends so rare in these days of big talks and small deeds. They come for drinks, food, music, and movies. They come to just sit and talk.

As the night grows, a brainstorming session soon starts. What shall we eat? Should I cook or order? What shall we drink? Rum, vodka, whiskey? And what shall we drink with? Water, cola or fruit juice? I've always marveled at the difference between drinking and all the other things that give you a high. You can dope, you can pop, and you can sniff all alone. And people normally don't like to share these kinds of stuff; they do it alone and enjoy it alone too. But drinking? It's a social activity. I've never come across anyone who's that happy when he's drinking alone. Includes me too.

And when the lights are out; when everything's over, I'm in bed, a little tipsy, a bit warm and very happy. Life's worth living after all, as long as you can look forward to your weekends. Life's still beautiful with a few good friends, good food, music and drinks.

55 word story

I've been tagged by flame and have to write a 55 word story about anything. So here it is :-)

He was drunk, walking around the mall;nowhere to go. Suddenly he smelled something heavenly and saw a woman approaching. Without thinking, he opened the door and stood aside. She walked out, barely noticing him. But she stopped, turned around and smiled, "Thanks!" That's when he remembered, that's when he walked back home, happy and sober.

Arunima, you are next!!!

departure at 27

James Marshall Hendrix (Nov 27, 1942 - Sep 18, 1970) - Barbiturates OD
- 27 years 9 months
Janis Joplin (Jan 19, 1943 - Oct 4, 1970) - Heroin OD
- 27 years 8 months
James Douglas Morrison (Dec 8, 1943 - July 3, 1971) - Heart Attack?OD'd?
- 27 years 6 months
Kurt Cobain (Feb 20, 1967 - Apr 5, 1994) - Shot himself?Murdered?
- 27 years 1 month

in a world of cliches
and beaten defeated roads
you defied the rules
you challenged the gods

on a comet's tail
you streaked across the sky
and crossed all the frontiers
did you know
did you see then
all that fame and fortune
did you dream then
your own deaths too

when you invoked the magic
with your words and melodies
when heaven and earth was set ablaze
and the jealous gods raged

in a flash, in a blink
darkness descended
faiths were betrayed
and dreams were stolen

the songs' over
the fires have died
all's gone, gone too soon
requiescat in pace

changes

Last week, i met two friends after about 6 years.

Both of them are married and one of them has a kid already. We had lunch together, we talked about the old times, we talked about our other friends - what they are doing and where they are.

The names conjured up images and memories enclosed within the quotes of another space and time. I also saw my 2 friends and their wives. I have known these women too, since the time they were going out with my friends. What happened? What really happened to all of them?

They have changed and I expected that. But not this!!

We studied our engineering together. One of them was into classic rock; he was also into books and guitars. These days, he reads self-help books, listens to pop and doesn't play the guitar at all. The other was a very thin guy who didn't smoke or drink. Now he does both. The worst part is that they are into these new things and ideas without the same old passion they once had.

All of them had grown fat too.

Have they all changed for love or for themselves? Or has society conspire this change so that they will look and think alike the so-called majority?

Then they turned to me. You haven't changed at all. When will you stop listening to rock music? When will you stop reading those 'serious' books? When will you stop changing your girlfriends? When will you mellow down? You are born in the wrong country!!!

I don't have the answers for that, my friends, and I can't promise anything. We'll meet again someday, somewhere. And when we do, I hope I still can recognize that old friend of mine. Change is inevitable but please don't give up your passions and your 'old familiar' smiles coz these are the things I will remember about you. And these are the only things that will identify you when the cruel hands of time give you another man's face and skin. Till we meet again, my dear friends.

untitled

they came
dark, silent and heavy
and i looked up
searching for hope
in a heaven gone black

life beckoned
my spirits flew
my soul's quiet
...i'm waiting for the rain

lines from Kerouac

Love the Beatnik poets and writers, and these quotes by Kerouac's are amongst my all time favourites:

The only people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved,
desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing,
but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles
exploding like spiders across the stars
and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop
and everybody goes "Awww!"

Oh little Cody Pomeray if there had been some way
to send a cry to you even when you were too little to know
what utterances and cries are for in this dark sad earth,
with your terrors in a world so malign and inhospitable,
and all the insults from heaven ramming down
to crowd your head with anger, pain, disgrace,
worst of all the crapulous poverty in and out of every splintered door of days,
if someone could have said to you then,
and made you perceive,
"Fear life, but don't die; you're alone, everybody's alone.
Oh Cody Pomeray, you can't win, you can't lose, all is ephemeral, all is hurt."

No man should go through life without once experiencing healthy,
even bored solitude in the wilderness,
finding himself depending solely on himself
and thereby learning his true and hidden strength.

My fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them.

the recluse

a riot of colors and sounds
as the world passes by

serenity broken
beliefs blown away
reality's a dream

close my eyes
let me see again

let me drift away
let me embrace the darkness
and everything that's not right

but solitude won't leave me alone
dancing our ridiculous li'l dance together
we pretend everything's all right

my dreams have betrayed me
my dreams have locked me up
but my dreams console me
but my dreams keep me going
and these dreams are all i have

most beautiful things

It's saturday morning and I'm here in the office because of a client deliverable that came up unexpected.

Had a cup of hot strong coffee watching Ra wake up from his slumber. Ra, the Sun-god travelling across the sky with the sun upon his head in his two boats - Matet and Semktet. Was thinking of the most beautiful things that I have seen in my life, the things that I haven't seen but only imagine and the things that I could have never imagine but only dream. There are so many, so many of them.

On top of my list, before anything else would be the sight of a woman raising both her arms to tie her hair in a bun. I must have seen it a thousand times but when lovers, friends and total strangers do it, I just can't turn away. It's ineffably beautiful.

A kid's face when he/she catches a fish. We adults will never be able to copy that smile or experience that happiness, even vicariously. Had seen it quite a few times back in my hometown. Guess, it has gone out of fashion in today's world.

The third's poignantly beautiful, heartbreakingly lovely. It's when your woman cries and there's mascara/eyeliner on her cheeks and around her eyes. I have never been able to say "no" or keep my arms at my side. They have just reached out to take her in my arms, to hold her tight and love her with all my being.

The last one's supposed to be a secret. Now every woman will know when I'm totally helpless:-)

if i...

If I stop these paeans
will you drop your mask

If I tell you the bitter truth
will you throw away your paper crown

If I look down on you
will you smash your wooden horse

If I close my eyes
will you end your masquerade

If my silence grows
will you still ramble on

If I stop listening
will you shut up and suffocate

If I run out in the sweet dirty rain
will you be there to play with me

If I take off all my clothes
will you shed your pretences

If I walk all alone
will you hold my callused hands

And if I were to die tomorrow
will you dance on my grave
under a morose looking moon.

on the road

Books are amazing powerful things, they take you away to that place where dreams and reality merge. Sometimes you are just a spectator, and sometimes you are a part of the show.

Especially Kerouac's ''On the Road,'' don't read this book if it's been ages since you last broke the monotony of working from 9 to 6, five days a week. God!!!!! It's been almost a year since I had an amazing trip (pun intended).

Last October I went to Dharamsala with two of my friends. It was not really what people would call a vacation as we were on the road for 5 full days. We just stopped for the night and food.

Once we reached chandigarh, we started searching for a taxi/cab and we had a few conditions for the driver - there'll be non-stop rock music and we'll be drinking/doping non stop. Thought it was a bit hard but we were able to find someone who was very interested!!! We then hit the road in his new indica.

We were an amusing sight wherever we go. A friend's from UP, another's from Kerela and I'm from Manipur. We represented the three major races in India - Aryans, Dravidians and Mongoloids, the faces of India. We talked our own language too - a mixture of english, hindi and tamil. We switched to the few but very effective and strong tamil words and phrases whenever we want to make fun of the driver:-)

Himachal's such a wonderful beautiful place, and the people there are so cool, living their own lives and open to anything. They don't stare and they don't judge. I have gone there just two times, though I stayed for 3 months along the Kullu-Manali highway the first time I went there.

Ever listened to Floyd, U2 or Simon & Garfunkel while traveling the highways, watching the mountains and the forest through your car window? The songs are the same but they make you feel so different when you are no longer confined by the four walls of your room - carefree, you begin thinking about freedom and empty spaces and then there's that peaceful feeling, so soothing yet so difficult to describe. But when the old monk kicks (aka the best dark rum) in, we switched to system of a down, megadeth or metallica.

We blew up about 2000 bucks on charas and an almost equivalent amount on rum and cigarrettes but we had FUN. We talked about everything under the sun, we hardly slept, we laughed, we screamed, and we were high and mighty.

Bet Kerouac would be jealous:-)

yesterday

Ever wondered why we dream less as we grow older? Why we give up the small things we used to love when we were younger?

There's a friend who used to draw and paint so beautifully, she has given that up coz she says she has no time anymore. another one says he's tired all the time and can't practise anymore. me? I don't finish novels in one night anymore, i don't listen to new Cds/tapes all night long, i don't play the guitar everyday anymore, i don't go for my evening walks anymore....and i have a million reasons for all these “NOT ANYMOREs.” Though sometimes i feel they are not reasons at all, but just alibis.

Once i was just walking down the lane that runs parallel to the main road (ring road, delhi). It was a quiet and cool night and all of a sudden i felt like running. It had been ages since i last ran and so i just ran that night feeling the wind in my hair and feeling so happy and contented.

We don't run anymore now unless we are going to miss the bus/train. We don't walk in the rain anymore coz we are scared of catching a cold. Love's not about trust, respect and feelings anymore, it's either a business relation or a physical relation these days. Sure miss the ol' days when we were young, wild and so damn happy. Am not a pessimist or someone who broods over the past but i just came up with these lines.

how we stared at the crimson sunset
eyes wide with wonder and innocence
and a vision touching the infinity across
was it just yesterday?

how we raced against the wind
faces exploding with laughter
and a spirit unyielding as the earth beneath
seems just like yesterday

how we sat under the night sky
senses floating in the stillness
and singing our songs of youth
it must be yesterday

then we grew up
older and colder each day
and a heart full of rancor
yesterday seemed so far

and we trudged on
with fractured pasts and abandoned dreams
and cried for all those yesterdays
coz yesterday's gone, lost forever.