Wednesday, May 24, 2006


Hello everyone!!

I'm now in Bangalore and I'm very very busy with the relocation and the new job. Everything's new and strange, but damn exciting too.

Will be back soon!!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

all over again

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again

- The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel

There are 2 sides to a coin. There is good and evil, black and white, and there are dreams and nightmares.

Some days I see happiness through the eyes of other people. Some days I see people who will live their whole lives seeking attention, acceptance and admiration from others.

I have my dreams too, just two dreams. The 2 sides of a coin.

I dream to grow a bit richer, have a woman by my side, have a daughter, and live in a house of my own. I would love to grow old with them together; sharing things, and living and loving each day of my life. Not the Middle Class Dream, not the Indian or American Dream, it's the Universal Dream. The Universal Dream that has been handed down from one generation to another, with very few modifications.

But when the sky's moody, I dream of another thing. I don't want anyone by my side, all the time. There's nothing called "humans." Women and men - we are all animals. Monogamy's not for every species, most of us will always remain a wanderer. After a few months or years of togetherness, someone is looking for somebody, or thinking of somebody, or have found somebody.

The sanctity of a relation or a marriage? It doesn't mean anything to a lot of people. The "I love you", the sacred fire, the garlands, the rituals and vows - they will never stop a wandering heart or a mind. They are just for show, done for the rest of the world and not for the two people who really matter.

I'll go through so many phases in this lifetime. Sometimes, I even go through a 1000 different moods in a single day and I don't expect anyone to love or understand me, all the time. I don't think I can understand someone for a lifetime, either.

I have been living alone for about 3 years. Though I feel lonely sometimes, I feel reluctant to give up my independence too. I prize my independence; I love to go to the mountains whenever I feel like. Sometimes, I enjoy the quiet of my room for days at a stretch. Sometimes, I live on lemon tea, bread & jam or soup alone. Sometimes, I read or play the guitar the whole night, without having to hear someone asking me, to switch off the light or turn down the volume. And on most summer nights, I love to sleep in the nude. I watch a lot of movies alone too.

Once I walked all around the ghats in Varanasi, absolutely alone. When I was totally famished and exhausted, I went to this nice looking alfresco restaurant and had a heavy sumptuous lunch. As far as I'm concerned, that's happiness. And not exactly LIFE, but very close.

I'm getting fed up, fed up of people who are confused all the time, who can't make decisions, and who are so damn reckless with the hearts and feelings of others.

I wanna be alone, all over again. I wanna go back into that silence, into that familiar world, all over again.

Monday, May 08, 2006


Tall and thin, a man of few words. A voice that drove the girls crazy whenever he sang, in the old days. And a thirst for knowledge that he passed on, to his elder sister's two sons.

He couldn't take up singing as a career because it was considered too unconventional by everyone except him. And his parents couldn't afford to send him to college for higher studies. His two passions in life, and they were both closed to him.

He took up a job as a tailor, cutting and sewing clothes all day in the dingy backroom of a small clothes shop. He withdrew himself into his own world and gradually lost interest in everything. He started drinking.

He wanted to live and die a bachelor, but his mother and sisters found a girl for him. So he got married like everyone else. And he got kids like everyone else.

He never left his tailoring job though everyone was sure he could do something better. His health was deteriorating fast, and he was just too tired all the time. Or too bored. Or maybe, he saw something that the stupid doctors and the rest of the world had failed to see. He never left drinking either.

Two young kids and a wife. And two brothers - his sister's sons. That's what you left behind.

And my memories, with you and my elder brother...lying on a mat on the roof, listening to the stories of the sun and the stars; huddling around a fire on cold winter evenings, listening to the romance and tragedy of great kings and beautiful princess; sipping hot tea on rainy afternoons and playing cards on the balcony; seeing you in the crowd after school and coming home with you and brother on my father's old scooter...

For once I'm glad that there's a distance of more than 2000 kms. For once I'm glad that I haven't seen you for almost 7 years. If the distance and years had been lesser, the tears would have come freely. If they had been lesser, this would have broken me in pieces.

But deep down inside, I wish I were there with you, today. I wish I were there to see you for the last time, before you left us.

May you find the happiness that had eluded you in life. Above all, may you find peace.

Friday, May 05, 2006

toy soldiers

I saw the morning
It was shattered by a gun
Heard a scream, saw him fall, no one cried
I saw a mother
She was praying for her son
Bring him back, let him live, don't let him die
- Under the Same Sun by The Scorpions

Hard to believe but the social and political climate of a place can even influence the kind of toys, children play with. You can see that in the news reports on your TV, kids with guns and grenades. My friends, my brothers - we were not much different.

We played with guns when we were kids. Not the plastic ones, not the one with bright blinking lights, not the one that plays different melodies when you pull the trigger; we played with guns made with our own hands. Guns that can hurt or kill.

A wooden plank/board, about half an inch thick. Cut it out in the shape of a rifle, with a V-notch near the butt/handle. In the old bicycles, the brake wires passed through steel tubes, about 1cm in diameter. Cut out this steel tube, about 1ft long. Mount it on top of the wooden plank and fasten it tightly with strips of rubbers cut out from the tubes of bicycle tires. This steel tube is the barrel.

Take out a spoke from the wheels of the bicycle. Cut it into 2 pieces, one about 2-3 inches, and let the other part remain as it is. Take the shorter one and bend it in the shape of an "L" and nail/embed one end of it on the slope of the V-notch that is towards the butt of the rifle. This is your trigger.

Now you need a catapult. Take out the strong rubber strip with the leather patch in the middle and fasten it on the rifle. The two ends of the rubber strip should be fastened at the front just below the barrel or the steel tube. Pull it back and let the bottom of the leather patch rest on the tip of the "L" shaped trigger.

And the longer spoke? That's your arrow or bullet.

Though our parents would scream bloody murder whenever they found out about our "toy" rifles, we kept on playing with them. We would shoot at tree trunks, and wooden or earthen walls. Target practice.

I heard from mom that one of my elder brothers accidentally shot me just near my eyebrows. Luckily, his gun was not well made and the steel "arrow" wounded me just a bit. Mom told me that she thrashed my brother for that and I always grin whenever I hear this story.

Don't know how much life has changed. Don't know how much of "my childhood" has remained with the kids out there.

Home is
where human lives come cheaper
than a packet of salt

Home is
where the bombs thunder
and the bullets rain

Home is
where sentences are carried out
through the barrel of a gun

Home is
where justice is blind
deaf and dumb too

Home is
where the mikes and the cameras
never hear or see

Home is
where the fathers
cremate their sons

Home is
where mothers banish young sons
to safer worlds outside

Home is just not for everyone

Tuesday, May 02, 2006


For almost 12-13 years, I was celebrating on May 5 instead, coz mom was not very sure and I never bothered to check it out too. It's my b'day folks!!!

Monday, May 01, 2006

the movies

They say if you want something very badly, you get it.

I've finally got an offer from a company in Bangalore. And it didn't come out of the blue. I have been doing a lot of research on the net, making inquiries and collecting information about companies, sending my CV to companies or contacting the HR directly, making changes and posting my updated CV at Monster and Naukri...and it has finally paid off.

I have to join on the 22nd of May. I'm giving a one/two week notice period instead of the mandatory one-month notice period. I've to cut short my vacation from 2 weeks to 2 days, and that means I will be reaching home on the day of my sister's wedding and coming back to Bangalore the next day. There were no direct flights either; connecting flights at Kolkatta but I won't have time to revisit that city too.

The movers and packers have been contacted and I have chosen one of them to pack and move almost everything I have, to my new room/flat in Bangalore.

I'm leaving Delhi; no, it's not the capital of India, it's not the parks and gardens, the dhabas, the lovely winters, the wide roads and the monuments. It's not the rude abusive people either, or the rape capital. I'm just leaving a place I've called home, for about 9-10 years.

So many memories, and I know they are gonna haunt me for quite sometime, especially in my quiet moments. But then, I have got a new job in a new city, and I've got my girl waiting for me there. Moving to Bangalore because of a new job - that was the second reason. I'm moving to Bangalore because of love. I'm moving to that city because I wanna be with my girl, and that's the first and most important reason.

Straight from the movies - a friend told me.