Thursday, November 30, 2006

identity

It’s one of those days when you can sip a cup of coffee and gaze at this huge banyan tree, forever.

The streets, filled with people and vehicles, looked quite normal and harmless. Being normal, that’s the default value everyone takes unless you are crazy, or inspired by something or someone. You don’t want to stand out; you can’t fit in either, well almost.

But we never bothered about an “image” or “being normal” when we were kids. We did what we wanted, and we just said whatever we felt or whatever came to our mind. Even our prayers were so simple, sometimes ridiculous but we had a lot of faith then. Faith in almost everyone and everything around us.

I was born a Hindu, but I began to fall in love with Christianity at a very early age. I used to tell my parents that I want to marry in a church, that I want to be buried in a coffin in a beautiful cemetery and everyone who loved me would visit me and lay flowers on my grave. Mom would just look at me and say something like, “Oh my God!!” whenever I talked about these things.

I don’t believe much in any religion anymore, but I still find Christianity a quiet and beautiful way of life.

In my pre-teens, I began to talk about girls with my friends. Virginity was still a very strong issue in those days and I used to declare my opinions and beliefs quite strongly. And it shocked my friends, and later, my parents. I used to tell everyone that I would marry any girl if we love one another – let her be a young girl my age, let her be a kid or an old woman, and let her be a divorcee or a widow. Nobody can or will stop me, if we love one another. And everyone would say that I was goddamn fucking crazy. Come to think of it, still now I can never figure out where those ideas came from. All I know is that I still believe in them.

And my prayers when I was a kid…God must have uttered just one word whenever I closed my eyes and folded my hands, “GOD!!!” I had asked him to make me a martial arts expert, Superman, a Casanova kind of a man whom women will find irresistible, Mandrake the magician, and so many other superheroes and adorable villains. Maybe, I stop believing in him when he absolutely and stubbornly refused to listen to my prayers.

You and I, we were kids then. But each one of us was so unique – from the little scars on our over-active bodies to our small silent prayers. Society and the whole concept of an ideal and civilized society made us scared. And then came time, the great leveler, and we find ourselves unable to recognize or differentiate one another, anymore.

15 comments:

mad angles said...

This is actually about your previous post - really made me smile. It reminded me of the time the reservation debate was on and all the bloggers had gone completely beserk about it. All of them sitting in their plush American Universities and debating 'meritocracy'. Don't think a single bugegr even sat down to think what exactly made them meritorious. It's incredible how even a free medium such as blogging can make people so insulated.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Oh, wow. This is a great blog! I'm linking you.

Monika said...

brilliant write... makes u think about a lot of things

consise10 said...

ahh zypsy ..its nice to catch up with your words! thanks for keeping your blog!

jugni said...

interesting.. that's the first thing that came to my mind!

i'm in bangalore BTW :)

zypsy said...

essar: same feeling here. opinions are just words unless someone has seen or live through that experience.

thanks eotr!!

monika: that was my intention:-)

consise: so good to see you again.

isha: how long are you planning to stay in bangalore? i may move again to mumbai or chennai in Jan. am so tired of moving around :-(

jugni said...

dude.. am in bangaolre for a long time... and will it seem like i'm stalking you if i tell ya i'm off to bombay too if things work out? hehe..

Anonymous said...

It's not so bad man..complexities pile on as we grow up, no doubt. But it's all so interesting if you look upon it the right way.
And by the way, children too have the concept of 'image' in a subconcious level, but it's this idea of ours of children being 'spotless and clean' that makes us ignore those things when we think about childhood.

Anonymous said...

stupid analogy, but i kept thinking of time as sandpaper, wearing everyone down to the same abrasive state...but not everyone was as childlike as a child. for instance, at age 8 i was wondering,"if nobody can die in oz, how did dorothy's house kill the wicked witch of the east?" sigh

zypsy said...

sush: at the subconscious level, nothing ever remains still but as long as it remains at the subconscious level - it's not for me or anyone to observe or analyze. and it's not our idea of the children, it's about the children we were. or i was.

not an analogy sangy, just an observation, a passing thought over a cup of coffee. and that's one helluva tough question you were asking yourself at age 8 :-)

Skylight said...

haven't thought of it along the lines you have, but every so often i have this great need to get back inside me, to become once more entirely that which is within me, which i have always been, and which i suppose i always will be. in other words, irrespective of the changes on the outside, i find the essential me-ness remains unaffected.

about religion, and God and believing in God, i think you are one of teh fortunate few who caught hold of the right idea early and actually hung on to it :)

heh? ok said...

no i was talking about my own sandpaper analogy. i think its dumb. and i think i was a much more more mature person at eight than i am at twenty two...too many blinkers now.
-sangy

zypsy said...

ninkita: don't know if it's the right idea but i sure believe in it:-)

sangy: hmm...more mature when you were a kid. that's interesting, very interesting:-)

heh? ok said...

you know what? it is very interesting. i think i'll blog about it...thanks :)

raghu said...

rubbish..sangy is maturity at its max..:P
ya..soo much 2 tye abou.. identity..ah.. canw rite pages on it. evrythin v do..either widens our identity n thus the perspective..or curtails the identity.. so much 2 tell.
n ya.. the society belives in conformation.. one is made 2 conform n his abilty 2 think is mutilated.. until he 4ges hw badly hes bin hurt..who did it.. or y
vels dat wat pinkfloyd thinks(its on my blog..y i say so).. n thats wat ayn rand(in an esssy in the book "the new left") proves :D