all over again

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again
- The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel

There are 2 sides to a coin. There is good and evil, black and white, and there are dreams and nightmares.

Some days I see happiness through the eyes of other people. Some days I see people who will live their whole lives seeking attention, acceptance and admiration from others.

I have my dreams too, just two dreams. The 2 sides of a coin.

I dream to grow a bit richer, have a woman by my side, have a daughter, and live in a house of my own. I would love to grow old with them together; sharing things, and living and loving each day of my life. Not the Middle Class Dream, not the Indian or American Dream, it's the Universal Dream. The Universal Dream that has been handed down from one generation to another, with very few modifications.

But when the sky's moody, I dream of another thing. I don't want anyone by my side, all the time. There's nothing called "humans." Women and men - we are all animals. Monogamy's not for every species, most of us will always remain a wanderer. After a few months or years of togetherness, someone is looking for somebody, or thinking of somebody, or have found somebody.

The sanctity of a relation or a marriage? It doesn't mean anything to a lot of people. The "I love you", the sacred fire, the garlands, the rituals and vows - they will never stop a wandering heart or a mind. They are just for show, done for the rest of the world and not for the two people who really matter.

I'll go through so many phases in this lifetime. Sometimes, I even go through a 1000 different moods in a single day and I don't expect anyone to love or understand me, all the time. I don't think I can understand someone for a lifetime, either.

I have been living alone for about 3 years. Though I feel lonely sometimes, I feel reluctant to give up my independence too. I prize my independence; I love to go to the mountains whenever I feel like. Sometimes, I enjoy the quiet of my room for days at a stretch. Sometimes, I live on lemon tea, bread & jam or soup alone. Sometimes, I read or play the guitar the whole night, without having to hear someone asking me, to switch off the light or turn down the volume. And on most summer nights, I love to sleep in the nude. I watch a lot of movies alone too.

Once I walked all around the ghats in Varanasi, absolutely alone. When I was totally famished and exhausted, I went to this nice looking alfresco restaurant and had a heavy sumptuous lunch. As far as I'm concerned, that's happiness. And not exactly LIFE, but very close.

I'm getting fed up, fed up of people who are confused all the time, who can't make decisions, and who are so damn reckless with the hearts and feelings of others.

I wanna be alone, all over again. I wanna go back into that silence, into that familiar world, all over again.